21 September 2010

Good luck little one!

Today is Andrew’s first day with his daycare provider. Only an hour has passed since dropping him off and I’m feeling his absence in the house. Being a mother is like living with a piece of your heart outside of your body, when that piece is apart from you, you feel it all the more. I thought I’d be happy to have time to myself, I thought I was strong enough not to cry…man was I wrong.

I never knew how attached I was to my little boy until it came time to entrust his care to a stranger. To know that I will see my office walls more than my own child is a horrible thought. To think that he will be running to another woman for comfort on a daily basis is almost heartbreaking. It’s inevitable; we need my salary and I know, deep down, that I’m a working woman. However, I didn’t foresee myself feeling this emotional about returning to work. It’s difficult to loosen the cord after devoting an entire year of my life to one little individual. I guess it’s the unknown that scares me – the thought that I’m not sure how to be the same person I was before. I’m so used to being “Mom” now that I’m not sure how I’d reintegrate into “Jenn.”

As difficult as the transition seems, I’m sure I’ll find my own rhythm eventually. I have changed almost beyond recognition over the past year and, fact is, I’m not the same person I was before. I will now need to find a way to balance out my dual roles as both mother and career woman. I will have to strike a balance and learn not to exist solely as Mom. In a way, it is good that I will be among adults again; I need to regain a sense of self.

As for Andrew, he will have to learn that he cannot always be the centre of attention; he needs to learn social skills and gain confidence through interacting with others. It still pains me to know that we’ll be apart so much but I imagine it will make our moments together more precious. For all I ever laughed at my mother’s sadness or reluctance to see me grow up, I completely understand now. The old adage is true, children do change and grow up in the blink of an eye. That’s life - we’re always in a state of transition. What I failed to recognize, however, is that this evolution doesn’t just happen to the child, it also happens to the parent.

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